PHA Voices

September 1, 1997
Support Service User View
by James Grasley, ACAS Member and Volunteer

I'm James Grasley, an active member of ACAS for a number of years. My late partner José Olicia Jr. was a former member of the Board and Vice-President of the Support Program. We were both clients of the Support Program and I have continued to receive support from ACAS after José passed away.

I would like to take this time to share a special moment of my late partner, José. José always felt the need and the love and care for all who are committed to this wonderful organization that makes every day living with AIDS bearable.

As a member of the Board, José continued to show active concerns and exceptional stamina throughout his entire illness not wanting to slow down his work at ACAS no matter how bad his condition was always willing to lend an ear or a hand to the end. At the time it was a difficult decision letting him continue his work for I was more concerned with his health.

I have learned since then that to have taken any part of ACAS away would have been detrimental to José. I have come to respect, honour, all who are involved with ACAS and hope now that I have chosen to become more involved in the program it too will someday help me. The Support Program has been of vital significance in that José and myself have received excellent counselling, care, and services from all aspects of ACAS.

I appreciated the highly supported efforts by all involved with José's care and the help I received to grasp and understand what I was going through at a very difficult time for myself, his family and many friends. I would like to acknowledge sincere thanks to all members of ACAS including Dr. Alan Li, William Lau, Len Lopez, and Alma Ramos for their tireless efforts in making me understand the qualities and love there are from people like you.

May the organization continue to have success in the future for all persons like myself and others living with HIV/AIDS. Without their help, what would become of us as individuals with no support. Their dedication and commitment to the community has proven without doubt they are the best.

September 1, 1997
It's No Secret
by Lawrence Tan

It's no secret. It's about finding out what you want to do for yourself in life and you do it. Beating all odds, clinging on to your passion, and holding on to your dream until you do what you have wanted to do all your life but had never gotten to do it until HIV surfaces, threatening your good old life. Many PHAS have been curious about what I am doing to keep healthy, look good, and exude a perpetual positive outlook in life.

Well, I don't have a secret formula. I feel that I am fortunate enough to have successfully achieved what I have dreaming for during my bedridden days. I have always felt that my achievement of looking healthy and feeling great is a good return for whatever I had put out. I didn't have a great childhood; I had great psychological problems growing up as a teenager; and my self-worth was greatly damaged by my peers in my early twenties. I was always wondering if there were greener pastures on the other side at all. But I held out. I held out for as long as I could.

At times, I felt that I was losing my grip and I took a deep breath and held on even tighter. Sometimes, I would lose my grip and fall. But each fall made me stronger; I would get up and start over. When it seemed that I was entering a dead end or a hurdle greater than the Dead Sea itself, I would stop, re-examine my path, and move on again as quickly as I could on to another path leading to my destination. To avoid over-confidence or uncontrolled optimism, I would often think of myself as an egg, rolling down a hill.

If there were a rock in front of me, I would roll around it. I would be crazy rolling head-on into the rock knowing that I will break. Sounds abstract? Abstract it may be, but these are the principles on which I lead my life as a person living with AIDS. Recently, I have adopted yet another principle. This one has been making me fly fiercely through the fiery hell of HIV.

I believe that in life, one can run but cannot hide. Ever since I recovered from the opportunistic infections, this principle has become my daily bread. Perhaps this is the motivation that keeps me going. I will run like crazy and even faster than Donovan Bailey as long as the virus is still under control.

I will not think about what the virus is going to do to me, I will live for today, run for today, and perhaps think slightly about tomorrow and plot the track which I will be running tomorrow. HIV has become a reality in my life and I cannot hide in my bed from it. I could only run until the virus catches up with me. Then I would rest in my bed and honour my enemy for a while as I recuperate. Once HIV loosens its grip, I am going to escape and run again. I will do this until HIV consumes me. I will not let HIV take over my life! I would also like to remind you that I do not run unaided. My HIV drug regimen, my endless supply of vitamins and herbs, my positive attitude, my daily rest, my weekly workout programs, my food which consists of 60% protein, 40% carbohydrates, and many other second-nature daily routines help me run this track of life.

As I run, I see my partner, family and friends cheering me on. Without this ammunition, I am only running to death row. I would be like the rolling egg crashing into the rock. Splat!!! I am dead! Being a gay man, a gay man with much dignity and vanity, I strive to be as good looking as the next guy beside me, as buffed as he, as wise as he, and as outgoing as he can be. Perhaps my sense of appearance has been ingrained in me since I became an actor when I was six years old.

This is silly to most people. Sometimes I too feel that I am silly to think that appearance rules all because it doesn't. What's important is who and what I am inside. Am I beautiful inside? Am I a sensible and sensitive person? Am I kind and gracious to all? Am I able to forgive those who have wronged me? Am I able to find peace in myself for the things I have done for the day? Am I doing what I have to do for my community? Am I able to smile in times of anger? Am I a good Human Being? These are the things I often ask myself as I pursue to better my appearance because the inside is as important as the external appearance. They mirror each other. When there is no mirror, there is no reflection. When there is no reflection, there is no light. If there is no light from within, then how could anyone look good on the outside?

All it is; is but an empty shell. A beautiful sculpture but with no soul. There has to be a balance between what's within and without. I am constantly trying to find that balance to the things that I have so fortunately gained. Too much of one thing is bad; the scale will be tipped. But if there is a sufficient weight on the other side of the scale, bingo, a nice balance is formed. I knew that I wanted my health and my looks back since the first day I fall prey to the grips of microsporidia and CMV colitis.

I wanted so badly to be in shape again, I wanted to be attractive again, I needed to be in control, and I needed to be sexual again. I held on, I waited, I persevered, and when I saw there was light at the end of the tunnel, I clicked my heels and went for it. And I have been running ever since. Some of you have asked me what it is that I have which gives me pride as a person living with AIDS. It is the courage to face reality. It is the courage to trust those who are with me for the support that I need to run this race, to fight this difficult battle. The virus has become a reality in my life. It is part of me now. I must accept myself for who I am now before others can accept me. I have to love myself before I expect people to love me. My disclosure was only natural because I knew that I couldn't go through this alone. I needed the energy for hiding my HIV infection to heal myself. It is also my risk-taking nature that prompted my disclosure. I wanted to test the attitude of people towards me. After my disclosure, I realized my journey couldn't stop there. I wanted to be a positive role model. I wanted to show my peers that there is still life after an HIV infection.

I wanted to tell them that they are not alone, that there is love and support out there. I needed to prove that it is possible to move on with life and pursue all that they wanted for so long. It is time! Life has gotten too short. It is now or never! Naturally, after succeeding in my initial quest, I took it upon myself to do the things that a healthy male would do and to look as good as he could look. I did the play, "A Language of Their Own" and beefed up my body. Along the way, with luck and hard work, I began looking better than some healthy individuals.

Then I knew that I could take HIV to another level, to further prove to people that PHAs are also contributing members in society. We are not to be cast aside, looked down upon, and forgotten. Just before Pride Day 1997, I was in the gym having a last pump. A middle-aged, Jewish woman whom I have known to be homophobic complimented me for my latest physique. I didn't know what prompted me to reveal my AIDS status, but I did. Her eyes popped open, and almost trying to be spontaneous, she blurted out in a very dignified way "Well, good for you! You look great!" Then she walked away, trying not to be affected. Please do not compare yourself to me because it is not emotionally healthy. Everyone is different. You may have been successful in doing something that I am striving for. How I appear is something that has been planned for me by some Higher Power in my path. I am not superman either. I take great precautions as I take each stride into the unknown. I always try to use the same energy that I have used in my race yesterday and run a greater distance with it today. I am constantly evaluating whether it is worth to use excess energy to achieve something that I think is further out than my reach.

To tell you the truth, my viral load isn't exactly low. I am still struggling with the idea of a four-drug regime recommended by my specialist. I know that most of you have achieved an undetectable viral load. I do not to compare myself to you, because I know that it will work against me. If I want to have an undetectable count, I will have to work at it. There is no short cut. But I remain hopeful. I believe in myself, and in the things I have to do. An image of me in perfect health would be like the movie playing on the screen. I can see it but it is not reality yet. What's important is that I have a vision. I will work towards that vision, and if it doesn't happen, so be it! I will be satisfied because I have tried my best. I will take a rest and go at it a second time, maybe even a third, fourth, fifth time.

Meanwhile, I have to live my life to the fullest. I have to live life like a real person! My passion to live life again as a regular guy surpasses the threat of HIV. When an intravenous needle was placed in my arm for the infusion of ganciclovir to treat CMV colitis, I attested my need to be free, to be pushing weights, to be doing things I felt so passionate about. I went to the gym with my trainer. I expertly handled the weights, not letting the intravenous needle weaken me. I needed to do this! I needed to do this to make me feel that I was still in control, that I was still healthy enough and strong enough. And I was.

I am still feeling in control and I am even stronger. I have the same passion that I started with but that passion has intensified. I want to move on to bigger and better things but I am still careful of that rolling egg, keeping it intact throughout my journey. I am glad to say that my journey so far has been a successful and enlightening one. I have grown tremendously as a Human Being. And I am still learning, growing, and achieving. It doesn't stop here.

July 1, 1997
ACAS PHA Retreat First ACAS Retreat
by Henry Fanugao

ACAS held its first PHA client retreat at Woodhaven Country Lodge on April 11 - 13, 1997. Organized by interim Support Program Coordinator/Counsellor Samantha Yee, the event was attended by nine participants including a guest speaker/facilitator from Vancouver.

The purpose of the retreat was to provide a relaxing weekend for PHA clients and to discuss issues or share experiences in a safe and comfortable environment. "It gave us the opportunity to socialize and meet other people," said one participant. One of the facilitators started off the retreat with breathing and relaxation exercises. He also facilitated discussion on disclosure where the pros and cons of being "out" with HIV status were discussed.

"We have to point out that it's important to be sensitive to the needs of people infected with HIV and that everyone should be acknowledged for who we really are as a person first rather than someone infected with a terminal disease."

Another facilitator led the discussion on stress management techniques and emphasized the importance of proper nutrition, exercise, and supplements in addition to traditional medicine as part of therapy when dealing HIV/AIDS. He introduced the participants to basic yoga and other exercises to balance the energy in the body. Other issues such as relationships, dating, and sex were also discussed and role-playing of scenarios emphasizing sex and safer sex issues were presented. Feedback from participants indicated that the goal of the retreat was met and that they would take part again next time especially if held during the summer months.

My Retreat Experience
by Dan

I feel much better now that the retreat released part of my enmity. After three days in Woodhaven, the retreat partially purified me physically, mentally and spiritually. "Everybody is here." That was my first relief when Samantha announced that we were ready to leave. I was relieved as when I checked the group, I did not know anyone. I was relieved because now I have no fear of being the talk of the town after the retreat. I was relieved because I have no fear of losing more friends who are suffering from the deadly disease. "Everybody is here." A simple phrase, yet I felt so good. "Are we there yet?" All of a sudden we were kids again. We remembered the good old days when mom and dad used to take us for a long drive. Although we had three different road maps, we still got lost in the way to Woodhaven. At first, we hesitated to ask for directions believing that we could find our way on our own.

Long after a long drive, we finally decided to stop at a gas station to ask for directions. A few more assistance from the local people followed before we arrived safely at the cottage.

Then, I finally realized that I needed a social assistance from my community for peace of mind and guide to battle my problems. Hoping our question, "are we there yet?" has a positive answer Ð simple but curable. "Inhale, exhale." Through the different exercises and discussions, the tensions in my body broke down into small pieces and gave me so much energy.

For some people, maybe the five golden retrievers were very comforting companions during their free time. I found that the view from the dining room was very relaxing while drinking my morning coffee. Chatting with Dave, the cottage owner, was undoubtedly rewarding. There, amid the leafless trees, I dreamed again. Finally, I sighed but this time it was no longer a bad sigh that my mother had told me. It was a sigh of a good inhale/exhale breathing.

July 1, 1997
Support Volunteer View
by Raymond Fung

ACAS Board Member, Co-Chair Support Program I have been a Support Volunteer for the past three years and I am extremely excited to have this opportunity to tell you a little bit about my experience with it. How and why did I get involved? Well, I felt that there was a great need for people who can provide support to those living with HIV or AIDS.

People who have been diagnosed with HIV have to deal with many difficult issues. Not only do they have to face the idea that they may come to the end of their life soon, but they often have to deal with the guilt that our society places on them. They have the hard task of informing their family and friends about their illness, and many of them may not choose to do so because they are afraid they would be rejected.

Imagine how you would feel if you had to go through this. Then, imagine if you had to go through this alone. Thanks to the Buddy Support Program at ACAS, people living with this illness can have access to someone for support, encouragement and a friendly ear.

Having somebody who is always willing to listen to them has meant a lot to my clients and I am sure to others as well. While clients receiving support have much to gain from the buddy relationship, I know that volunteers of the program also benefit enormously from their work.

Being a buddy has greatly enriched my life and my understanding of what life really means to me. Not only do I feel good about helping someone in their time of need, I have also learned about the strength of the human spirit.

The strength and courage that I have witnessed in my volunteer work will always be a part of my life, and will help me to carry on in difficult times. I am truly thankful that I had the opportunity to take part in this program, and I hope that each of you will consider participating in this worthwhile and rewarding endeavour.

July 1, 1997
President's Address
by Lawrence Tan

It is a great pleasure for me to take up the role of President of ACAS!

When I joined ACAS as a client in May 1995, I did not know if I had the courage, strength, and health to become a volunteer on the Board. I was dealing with a lot of personal issues as a PHA. I did not even know if my health coverage was going to be permanent as there was not yet a resolution to my legal status in this country. With blessings from all the people who love me, I finally received proper status in Canada. Subsequently, as though by coincidence, my health improved, my personal issues resolved, my self-confidence was once again intact.

I began my work in ACAS sitting on the Board of Directors. There were, of course, moments of self-doubt. I was worried that I lacked the understanding of ACAS to hold such an important position.

Through the encouragement of Alan and William I was able to participate well in meetings and quickly learnt the structure of ACAS. When Alan asked me if I would like to run for President a few months ago, I hesitated. Not that I did not want the role as I am the type who would take up new, personal challenges but I was worried that I would not have Alan's calibre as President. I spoke to my partner, family and friends and they all told me to trust myself and do only the things I know how. If I am met with issues that are unfamiliar to me, ask for help. And that is what I plan to do. I hope for the support and guidance of the board, committees, staff and volunteers.

Alan, through his hard work and dedication, has brought ACAS to this current level together with the relentless energy of the Board. It is only fair for me to bring ACAS to the next level with the new Board of Directors. We will see through the approval of the National Women's Project, stomp through fundraising ideas as we do not know what the impact of Mega City Amalgamation will have on us.

I am also in the process of introducing the idea of an expansion of the Support Program and an "Asian PHA Power" project. I will also be suggesting the idea of a little make-over for our office space to enhance our professional image the creation of a newsletter team. There will be many difficult challenges coming our way and I hope that we will be prepared and alert to face them as they surface. Meanwhile let's rejoice all that ACAS has accomplished, and celebrate a brand new year!