PHA Voices

December 1, 1996
My Life as a Person Living with AIDS

I would like to introduce myself. I am South-East Asian. I am 34 years old. I have not been in Canada long. I always wished that I would have a normal life like everyone else. But all of a sudden, a terrible, sad thing happened to me. I contracted the HIV virus.

Ever since then, my life has changed drastically. Everything about me has changed including my personality. Gradually, my friends began to stay away from me. Unexpectedly, they treated me very differently. Even when I am sick and go to see doctors, I often don't get caring help like everybody else. To the contrary, they often look at me with disdain.

In my every day life, I have many difficulties which make me sad and not as comfortable as before. I have lost the happiness of life. All my dreams and ambitions had disappeared. I feel that my life is so worthless. I don't know what the future holds what should I do?

All these questions, all these fears kept piling in my head everyday. Often when night falls, I feel very sad. I often cry all alone. But no one knows.

As time passed by, my health condition has gone down tremendously. I had to quit my job. More than half my hair now has fallen out, perhaps due to the mental stress. Sometimes, I am so tired that I can't get out of bed. But, because of chores around the house and outside, I still have to manage on my own.

At the moment, I am taking medications. Talking about medications - I am sure you don't want to know - because every time I take these things, they give me all kinds of sickness from headaches, dizziness, nausea to body pain. They can also put you in a mental state that you can't sleep at night. Even worse, they make you lose your appetite - everything you eat has no taste, etc.

Because of this suffering, many people can't take it. They become very thin, sick and eventually pass away. Also because of this suffering, many people living with HIV/AIDS committed suicide. One time, I had the intention of jumping off from a 10-story building. Another time, I tried to hang myself in the basement. But fortunately, my "friend" knew about every attempt and stopped me from killing myself. That is the reason why I still exist to this day. Thanks to the advice, support, consolation and the caring help from my "friend."

About my family, as you might have guessed, Asian culture is very different from that of the West. More over, my family is of Chinese descent. They are very traditional. They are very narrow minded and cannot understand issues as easily as Westerners. This makes it even more difficult for me to express my feelings. This is why I still haven't told the truth or let anyone in my family know about my health. I know sooner or later I will have to tell them, but I just haven't found the right opportunity.

In the meantime, everyday in the week, I push myself to always be busy in order to forget about these negative thoughts in my head. If I feel well, I often take walks on the street or in a quiet park to have some peaceful time. Sometimes, I rent music videos to watch or talk to my friends to release the mental tension, hoping to put away all the sad things in my life. At this point in time, I don't have any wish other than hoping that I am well enough to live day by day, eat well, and sleep well. That's enough to make me happy.

I also wish that one day in the near future, they will find a cure for AIDS to help all those people who are dying and those who are still alive.

Taking this opportunity, I would also like to express my sincere thanks to ACAS, especially Len Lopez, who has been helping me a great deal whenever I have difficulties. And also, if anyone needs help, please don't hesitate to come to ACAS. They will try to provide everything you need and want to know.

Sincerely yours,

Anonymous

Translated from Vietnamese by Tam Nguyen

December 1, 1996
CARING TOGETHER: An AIDS Care Team Manual for Asian Canadians
by Alma Ramos

ACAS Board Member, Chairperson of the Volunteer Training Project Committee and the representative on the National Advisory Committee of this Project

It's been almost two years since we commenced this project. And with the full dedication of everyone involved, I'd say "We did it!" Like any relationship, we've had our ups and downs. Our spirits were lifted every time a module was completed and most especially when we were given an extension and additional funding by Health Canada. However, through it all, we felt more challenged.

In addition, let me also say that the process of this manual was a great opportunity for community collaboration and skills building both at the regional and national level and that we believe is the first time that Asians across Canada shared and exchanged professional and personal experiences related to HIV/AIDS issues. The intent of this project is to provide culturally appropriate volunteer training and coordination modules that hopefully will increase and improve the quality of support services available to Asian Canadians living with HIV/AIDS throughout Canada. Funded by the AIDS Care Treatment and Support Program of Health Canada and based on the Living with Dying AIDS Care Team Manual by the AIDS Committee of Toronto, ours has been culturally adapted and translated to three languages: Chinese, Tagalog, and Vietnamese.

In closing, I know that our voluntary involvement has been paid off by the successful completion of this project. On behalf of the committee, our heartfelt thanks and full acknowledgment to Project Officer Eva Sin's tremendous effort and hard work.

This manual is completed in memory of Dr. Kirby Hsu and Mr. José Olicia whose dedication and contribution to the development of this project we fully acknowledge. Both have also been very instrumental to the work of this project.

September 1, 1996
Speaking from the Heart: A Volunteer Experience...
by Raymond Fung

I remember you brother; I remember you friend...
Close my eyes and I see you between valleys of fresh water
I open my eyes and can see your smile of hope
- from Memories by Francisco Javier Cepeda

I would like to share with you an experience which has meant a lot to me. It is something which I want to hold on to for as long as I live. It all began when I found myself becoming increasingly perplexed about the issue of AIDS. I wanted to understand the people whose worlds were crumbling before their very eyes, people who had to watch their body deteriorate day by day while the rest of the world slowly fades from their grasp. So when I found out that there was a buddy program for people living with HIV/AIDS and that I would be able to take part, I eagerly went for it.

Being the idealistic (and perhaps naive) editor that I am, I plunged into the role of being a support volunteer right away. All I could think of was that I would be accomplishing something of great value, both for my own understanding of the world and for the person living with AIDS that I would accompany. I guess normal (what is normal?), sane people might have serious concerns as to their own safety (i.e. my parents). After learning about the necessary precautions, I went on my first visit with a trained counselor.

I cannot say that it was easy dealing with a sick person who suffered from constant pain, even with a heavy dose of morphine. At times, it was very frustrating to know that there was really nothing I could do to relieve him of the pain. I had no idea what to say to cheer him up; the worsening condition made me upset and angry, for there was nothing I could do. He began to slowly lose control of his leg and his speech became less clear. I then realized that I had to accept his disease for what it was. I had to accept the fact that I could not change the progression of it. I could only stand by him in his fight with the illness.

When I first considered the idea of volunteering with an AIDS patient, I thought I was being generous in giving my time to help someone else. I never thought that I would get more out of this experience than I put in to it. There are so many things that I have learned from my experience with my buddy that it would be impossible to describe in this short editorial. In facing his death, I began to appreciate more fully the value of life. I will always admire the strength that he showed in his battle with the disease; his smile will continue to give me the strength to go on. Thank you, buddy, for sharing a bit of your life with me.

I hope, by sharing this experience with you, that you too will reap the rewards of getting involved with something which strikes a chord in your own heart. It all begins by being aware of the world in which you live, being aware of your own goals and reaching out to those who need your help.

Reprinted with permission from Youth Action Forum

Raymond Fung has been an ACAS Buddy Support Volunteer for the last two years and is a member of the ACAS Support Program Committee. He is also the editor of Youth Action Forum, a non-profit, national charitable organization run entirely by youth, dedicated to creating social awareness and involvement among youth of social justice issues.

For more information, you can call Youth Action Network at (416) 368-2277.

June 1, 1996
José Olicia Memorial

A Memorial Service for José Olicia, Vice-President of Support Services on the ACAS Board of Directors and Co-chair of Support Program Committee, was held at ACAS on Tuesday, April 16, 1996. José's partner James Grasley attended with over 35 family members, friends, staff, board members, and caregivers. Speeches were made and memories were shared. Special thanks to James for providing the photographs, flowers, and catering. To recognize José's contribution to ACAS, the Community activity room has been designated José's Room in his memory. ACAS would also like to express appreciation for the beautiful print donated by Dolores Bundy in José's memory that now hangs at the entrance to José's Room.

June 1, 1996
José Olicia In Loving Memory: 1949-1996

On March 26, 1996, the Board, staff, and volunteers of the Asian Community AIDS Services (ACAS) mourned the loss of Mr. José Olicia, past Vice President of Support Services on the ACAS Board as well as past Board member of Gay Asians Toronto.

Mr. Olicia was born on June 22nd, 1949 in Pasay City, Philippines where he obtained a Civil Engineering Degree. Upon arrival in Canada, his first job was in a furniture factory stuffing department which he detested. So he pursued more adventurous careers that would take him further. He promptly thought of nursing and immediately obtained a job at the Toronto Weston Hospital. Later, he completed his studies at George Brown College and graduated with a nursing degree in 1985. He left the hospital in 1987 and pursued a career with Victorian Order of Nurses in metropolitan Toronto where he remained until his illness forced him to take early long-term leave in 1993.

Mr. Olicia was a long time dedicated volunteer who served on ACAS's Board, the PHA Support Program, and the Volunteer Training Module Project. He had provided valuable insight and sound advice to improve the quality of life for Asian PHAs living in Toronto. His commitment was to ensure that the PHA voice was heard on all levels of the agency by speaking out openly on issues affecting the well-being of PHAs, especially within the Asian-Canadian context. The illness did not limit Mr. Olicia's ability to take an active role in fighting against the AIDS epidemic. His courage and dedication set an important example for our communities.

He passed away peacefully at his home with his partner, Jim, of 10 years and his sister Lydia —also his beloved Pat Parrish of Victorian Order of Nurses.

ACAS held a memorial for the community in Mr. Olicia's honour on April 16, 1996. In addition, ACAS Board has dedicated its community Activity Room in his memory. Mr. Olicia has played a significant role in the Asian communities. His commitment, support and understanding to those infected and affected by HIV/AIDS will not be easily forgotten. Mr. Olicia will be sadly missed but memories of him will live on in our hearts. May he have eternal peace.